Hello, Yesterday’s Me

My husband was sick for 5 years with acute myeloid leukemia. When he was first diagnosed, I had no idea what the future would hold for us. It seemed likely that my husband would die at some point, but I never lost faith in the fact that God could heal him or give him more time than the 6 months-3 years that his doctors gave him. We had five beautiful years after his diagnosis. Some of those months were terrifying, some of them were wonderful, all of them were cherished.

We had been together for 40 years, and I could not imagine my life without my husband.  We were a couple, a partnership, and without him I would only be one half of a whole. My husband’s cancer came back three times, each time stronger than the last. He and I began to accept that he was not going to make it out of this illness alive. It was difficult to accept this truth. Somehow we learned to live each day, not thinking about what was to come, and each day he fought as hard as he could to stay alive.

I told a woman that I worked with that if my husband did die, that I would cut all my hair off and tell people to call me Mara, which means bitter. I was completely serious. I wanted nothing to do with a life without my husband. But, in the end, a life without my husband is what I was given. It has been quite a journey, the last 2 years. In some ways, I think I knew what to expect. I knew I would be lonely. I knew I would miss talking to him, depending on him, loving him and having him love me. Sometimes the pain has been so deep that even tears can’t touch it. A lot of that pain is for what he is missing – the kids and grandkids getting older, accomplishing so much, doing so well, and a new granddaughter he never even got to meet.

I would tell my past self that I am still here, functioning. I would say that I am a different person, because I could not possibly remain the same person that was part of my husband. The person that shared everything with him died with him. The life that I knew was gone. I would tell my past self that my children have stepped up in incredible ways to bless me. I have found strength in God and my family. I’m still working, and keeping my head above water. I am writing, and started painting, and have been traveling to see my kids. 

I would tell yesterday’s me that I am okay. My life is very different, but it is a life worth living.