Say You’re Sorry

Daily writing prompt

Write about a time when you didn’t take action but wish you had. What would you do differently?

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When my husband was at the end of his life, and his treatment options had dried up and the clinical trial that he might have participated in found him ineligible, the way his doctors treated him really bothered me. I couldn’t say anything to my husband because he was the one in this terrible situation, not me. But his doctors said things like, “well, you have had five years since your diagnosis,” and “you can continue to have blood transfusions, but eventually they won’t work anymore,” and “do you see how all the fat is gone from your temples and your face? This is a sign that is not good.” My husband listened to these comments and decided that was his doctors’ way of saying he was at the very end of this journey. He actually thanked the one doctor that bothered me the most. My husband said, “I appreciate the gracious way you are telling me this very hard news.” I wanted to fume and say, “Gracious?! What he has said is anything but gracious.” I didn’t say a word, probably because I was crying too hard. And I didn’t matter – what I thought didn’t matter because all that mattered was that my husband – his happiness, his comfort, his time, his love, his life.

But when it came to those comments, I had to bite my tongue not to say, “Five years?! You think that’s a lot of time? Do you remember how many months of those years he was in the hospital or fighting for his life?” As for blood transfusions, as long as we wanted to make the drive and as long as he wanted the blood, we were going to keep trying to keep him alive. And what did how much fat he had on his face have to do with anything? I wish I had yelled at at least one of them. I wish I had said, “Just tell him that you’ve given up on him. Because you have. You have given up, and you haven’t even said you’re sorry. Say you’re SORRY!” My husband was grateful for all the doctors did, and I was, too, but I wanted more. More life, a miracle. Do I wish I had said something? Yes, sometimes I do. Other times I think I would do everything just the same. We did the best we could.

I miss my husband. Sometimes it is like someone twisted my soul until it tore, it hurts so bad.