October 2025

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I went up to Chicago weekend before last to celebrate the first birthday of my youngest grandchild, Luna. Joe and his family came up from Lafayette, and Joanna’s in-laws were there and some of Joanna and Nick’s friends and it was a successful party. But it also unleashed a lot of emotions in us all.

Luna is the only grandchild my husband never got to meet. And now she is one. Luna is the only child of our only daughter, and Joanna never got to see her dad hold Luna, play with her, love her. It is so sad. I have been feeling a deep grief because he missed this milestone and because he is missing so much of his family’s lives.

Yet every time I start to fall into a well of tears, I can’t help but listen to that voice in my head that says, “Yes, but you had him. You had happiness and a husband that loved you, that loved you all.” I know its true and I have to acknowledge once again that my sorrow is so sharp because my joy was so complete.

That voice is what keeps me from falling off the edge, and it brings me back into the light again and again. He was mine and I was his. He still lives in my memories, my heart, my spirit.

This was a milestone that really hit me and I felt Billy’s absence keenly. There are going to be many others. Our oldest granddaughter is going to get her permit and soon she will be driving. I smile when I think about her driving with Billy, how delighted he would have been to be there for one of those first drives down a nearby country road. Maybe he will be there somehow, I don’t know. Perhaps sitting in the back seat, the window down.

Life won’t slow down or stop, and everything will just keep moving along. Its right that it should be this way.

baby sweeter than
birthday cake, grandchildren
garden is growing

Copyright ©2025 Lisa Paul. All rights reserved.

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Published by lisaapaul

I’m a paralegal, a widow, mother and grandmother.

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17 thoughts on “October 2025”

  1. Lisa, this touches me deeply. My father died when my daughter was only three and a half, and it’s still a devastating loss for all of us — so your words about Billy and Luna feel especially close to home. That closing haiku carries such tender truth.

    Much love,
    David

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  3. Hi Friend Lisa,
    This story moved me deeply. It would have been nice for Luna to have met his grandfather. Happy Birthday to your adorable grandchild. Wishing Luna years of love in her journey towards growth.
    Your friend,
    Erwin

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  4. Oh, Lisa. When you have the privilege of sharing your life with someone you love completely and who loves who, losing them is going to be indescribably painful. You are so blessed to have those precious memories and a beautiful family who help keep you grounded with their love and support. Still, you miss him …. and rightly so. It sound like you and Billy found true love. Thank you for allowing us to share in your grief. Hugs, my dear Lisa. ❤️

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  6. Oh, Lisa, I wish we could have a big hug, some teary minutes looking at the birthday photos, and then tell some more stories about you and Billy. Thank you for writing this post and the poem, and sharing the photo. ❤️❤️

    In reading your piece, I realize I don’t think I ever asked my mother what it was like to lose her father at 20 yo, when I was 6 months, and to essentially lose her mother when I was 5 (and her other two kids were under 5). Sometimes I get a window into how brave she was – along with all the complexities.

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    1. Wow, you are so right, she was brave. I was always so impressed with her.

      I wish we could share a big hug, too! Joanna and I are going to look through pictures of Billy and get prints so she can make a scrapbook for Luna with pictures and stories about him. I’m sure the project will take time, considering the distance between us, but that’s ok 🩷🩷

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