“Life is a journey, not a destination” Ralph Waldo Emerson

I have been living without my husband, Billy, for 265 days. Sometimes I feel numb, like I’m not fully alive, just existing, just occupying space. That is how I have spent most of these 265 days, just going through the motions of life.

Last weekend I went to Lafayette and spent a couple of days with my youngest, Joseph, and his wife, Trisha, and daughter, Nora. I watched Nora play softball on Friday night under the lights, a red tailed hawk flying around the fields and periodically perching on top of a light pole. Nora pitched, and she is a wonder to watch, so tall, all arms and legs. She’s only 11, but she is strong and has so much confidence. Her pitches were smooth, and mostly strikes. I just got to sit by my family on a beautiful Friday night and soak it all in, her grace and skill, the excitement of the game, the determination of those young girls.

I went to a women’s seminar with Trisha on Saturday morning. The topic was one near to my heart, Heaven. I enjoyed it immensely, the singing, the teaching, and being with my daughter-in-law. Afterwards, we watched Nora play in two basketball games. She is becoming a skilled player and ball handler and is fast and aggressive. Trisha said that the girls are more aggressive than the boys in basketball, and I realized she is right. It was a pleasure to watch her and her teammates play, so much physicality, power and joy.

I had a good time living life last weekend. It sounds silly, but it really felt like living. And it was, compared to my typical days which consist of work, watching tv, writing a little and sleeping. I am planning to drive all the way up to Chicago later this week and spend a couple of days with my daughter, Joanna, and her husband, Nick, and 6 month old, Luna. I can’t wait to see them. And the living continues.

I still go on a crying jag now and then, especially when I see a picture of Billy, or a memory of him will come upon me so vividly. I was very lucky to be with him. We had such a good life. It would be impossible not to mourn the loss of someone like him, and the happiness we shared. Yet, I still have much to be grateful for, especially my family. I want to try to find the strength and energy to get out and be with them, to live life with them.

Billy and Nora at Nora’s dance recital xoxo