Describe a phase in life that was difficult to say goodbye to.

Being a wife is the phase of life that has been the most difficult to say goodbye to. I was a wife for a few months shy of 40 years. You may say, that is not a phase, that is a lifetime! And you would have a point.

I enjoyed being a wife. I didn’t choose to be a widow, but that is what I am now. I am in a new phase of life. I guess it is not unusual for us to be forced into new phases and stages of life. Life is nothing if not constant change. I was blessed to be in a long marriage. I know that many have not received this blessing.

I loved starting my day with my husband. We would go about the house quietly, getting ready for work, making coffee, sometimes talking about plans that we had for that evening. We never left each other without saying, “I love you.” Every single day. And I loved ending my day with my husband, making dinner together, feeling content, or perhaps venting to each other about the grievances of our day. We would make plans, talk about the future, talk about our family.

Everywhere you go as a wife, you are part of a team. You are a partner, you have a partner. You are one half of a whole. You are never really alone. I could lean on my husband, mentally and physically. And he could lean on me. We had secrets. And we knew each other’s secrets. We knew things about each other that our children will never know. And not just things that could be embarrassing, but also things that were cool, or dangerous and adventurous. The things that you do when you’re young, because you’re stupid, or you’re in love, or you are both. When my husband died, my witness to my life was gone. Now there is only me, and all my secrets will stay secrets.

There is no warm body to spoon in the night. There is no hand to hold when I’m walking. There is no one to encourage me, and tease me, and drive me crazy, and tell me how much he loves me.

I have to learn to say goodbye to the wife I was and stand on my own. Who is this non-wife person I see in the mirror? I do not know for sure, but I am trying to get to know her.