I went up to Chicago weekend before last to celebrate the first birthday of my youngest grandchild, Luna. Joe and his family came up from Lafayette, and Joanna’s in-laws were there and some of Joanna and Nick’s friends and it was a successful party. But it also unleashed a lot of emotions in us all.

Luna is the only grandchild my husband never got to meet. And now she is one. Luna is the only child of our only daughter, and Joanna never got to see her dad hold Luna, play with her, love her. It is so sad. I have been feeling a deep grief because he missed this milestone and because he is missing so much of his family’s lives.

Yet every time I start to fall into a well of tears, I can’t help but listen to that voice in my head that says, “Yes, but you had him. You had happiness and a husband that loved you, that loved you all.” I know its true and I have to acknowledge once again that my sorrow is so sharp because my joy was so complete.

That voice is what keeps me from falling off the edge, and it brings me back into the light again and again. He was mine and I was his. He still lives in my memories, my heart, my spirit.

This was a milestone that really hit me and I felt Billy’s absence keenly. There are going to be many others. Our oldest granddaughter is going to get her permit and soon she will be driving. I smile when I think about her driving with Billy, how delighted he would have been to be there for one of those first drives down a nearby country road. Maybe he will be there somehow, I don’t know. Perhaps sitting in the back seat, the window down.

Life won’t slow down or stop, and everything will just keep moving along. Its right that it should be this way.

baby sweeter than
birthday cake, grandchildren
garden is growing

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