Christmas is coming, whether I am mentally prepared or not. An interesting thing I have discovered is that I like the lights of Christmas. I did put up my tree, an artificial tree that we have owned for a few years, and I was able to cover it with lights. That tree must have six or seven strands of lights on it, I stopped counting. But I cannot bring myself to open my tote of ornaments and bring them out, let alone hang any of them on the tree. I have dozens of ornaments, and they all have a memory attached to them. It’s too overwhelming to even consider hanging any of them. So I will hang none of them. This year I will have a tree full of lights, with a star on top that is lit with different colors, and that will be my tree.

Along with Christmas decorations, there are the obligatory Christmas parties. We are having two at my office this year, and I find it exhausting. I will include a picture of my offering to our Christmas party, a Hoosier pie. Or, a sugar cream pie, as it is also known. It is one of my favorite treats. It’s a simple custard-like pie, made with simple ingredients such as sugar, flour, cream, butter, vanilla and topped with sprinkles of nutmeg. I was very glad I managed to make the pie. I also have a gift ready for our grab bag tomorrow.

Yes, I did cheat and use a frozen pie crust. Even so, the pie will be delicious.

I had nightmares last night, and I know that Billy was in some of them. In my nightmares, Billy was sick again, and I was trying to take care of him. I’m not sure why I had those dreams. I don’t really understand my mind, or what goes on inside of it. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to process my grief, but I don’t think it’s through nightmares of shadows of the dark times that I spent with my husband.

Christmas is 8 days away. This will be the first Christmas in 40 years I will experience without Billy. But I am still blessed with my beautiful family, my children and grandchildren. I will be surrounded by all of them on Christmas Day, all of us missing Billy, so I won’t be alone in my grief. And the truth of Christmas is still there, to be cherished and fill our hearts with awe and wonder.