I am beginning to chip away at little things, which is an improvement. Before, just thinking about doing even small tasks seemed overwhelming. I feel a tiny sense of accomplishment with the completion of each one. I put away all the leftover pamphlets from Billy’s funeral. I cleared off my buffet, which had collected all the mementos from not only Billy’s funeral, but his parents deaths, too. Billy and both his parents all died in a 15 month span.

How can I explain that even folding laundry or doing dishes is almost physically impossible at times? It doesn’t make sense, but it’s true.

Two days ago, Luna was discharged from the hospital at last. The truth that keeps lifting my spirits is that Joanna & Luna are okay. I am thanking God for that. I also know God is with me, helping me get through each moment.

I went to the bike Park on Sunday to go on a hike with Emmy. It had rained a lot on Saturday, so the trails were a little muddy and slippery. I was the only person there.

Everything made me think of Billy. The trails, because I only walked them with him. The drive over reminded me of him because he was always commenting on landmarks we passed. I passed a spot where a deer ran in front of my car and I hit the animal. I had called Billy, and he drove over to assess the damage and assured me I was safe to drive home. Sometimes the memories bring a heavy feeling in my chest and tears fill my eyes.

I was watching home movies a few nights ago, wanting to see Billy. I don’t know what I was thinking. I saw my husband, younger and strong. I saw my children when they were young. We were all together and we were so happy, loud and busy. I mourned not only the loss of my husband, but also the loss of my young family when the kids were still mine and home. Heartbroken and so lonely now, but I also saw how rich our life was and felt some gratitude that I had that. I did have that and I loved my children and I loved my Billy so very much.