Time just keeps marching on. 95 days since I lost my husband. It feels like 9 days. There is a denial stage, and I think I am stuck there. I just can’t bear to think about Billy never coming back. There were times when I was home alone while he was in the hospital, sometimes for weeks. Part of me wants to pretend I’m in one of those cycles.

I cannot bear to think of moving or removing any of his things. How can I? I don’t know how to bear this. And yet I know that I can do what I must, that God will give me the strength when the time comes. It just isn’t time yet.

Joe, Trisha & Nora came down from Lafayette for the weekend. Joe went to work outside, picking up sticks & branches in the yard, blowing leaves away and he even cleaned the gutters. My sons are a gift from God. Nora is 11 now but she’s still so much fun to be around. Trisha, Nora and I went shopping and to a couple of Christmas markets. I love spending time with the girls.

I’m going to go up to Chicago in a few days to see Joanna and Nick and Luna. Joanna is doing really well. She’s managing to take care of Luna while recovering from her surgery. She is still being treated for pre-eclampsia, but the treatment seems to be doing the trick. Her blood pressure has been mostly steady. They did have to increase her dosage, but I am confident that she will eventually be able to wean off all the blood pressure meds. I look forward to that day, as I’m sure she does too. Nick has been working part-time, but he will go back to full time beginning tomorrow. I have a feeling that Joanna might appreciate a little help right now.

I put a security camera system up around the outside of my house. Mostly it just lets me know when the dog walks in front of one of the cameras. But I’m glad the cameras are in place and that I got that accomplished. It is a simple system, obviously, since I put it up myself, but it seems pretty effective. A woman who was widowed a couple of years ago and who works in my building recommended the system. When a widow recommends something to me, I listen.

Tonight, I quieted my heart, and quieted the house, and just listened. Listened to the sounds of the house, the dog sighing, the furnace running. I remember the sound of Billy’s voice, and his laugh. I can hear him again, if only for a few seconds. I say out loud how much I miss him.