If I Could Do it All Again

If I could do it all again I would still chose him, every time. But I would do things differently. I have photographs that remind me of when he was alive, but he is so still in the pictures and I can’t see his eyes sparkle or hear his laugh. I must have taken months of videos, if you played them end to end, but mostly of our children, not much of him. Oh, if I could do it all again, I would take hours of videos of him.

He was always working, even in his free time. He couldn’t sit still and would think up things to work on if there were no obvious projects that needed him. He was strong, so strong. He could pick up a 300 pound roll of carpet and drag it onto his back and carry it into a home or office. His biceps were as big around as the circumference of most men’s thighs. He had a big, broad chest that I could lay my head on, and that was my favorite part, just lying there beside him, feeling so protected and loved, feeling his chest rise and fall.

But I wish I had videos of him working, at home and at work. Where are the videos of the times he chopped up a tree that fell in our yard? He remodeled our home, starting with the addition of two bedrooms and a half bath, adding updates to the main bathroom, putting up drywall in our living room where knotty pine paneling had been, re-doing our kitchen with new cabinets. I could go on and on. I would usually try to help him, more often our sons helped with big projects, and mostly I just stood in the way – right where the ladder needed to be, or where he needed to stand. I was good at that. But I don’t have any pictures or videos of him in action. I regret that.

I have some video of him slalom skiing behind our speedboat. I also have some pictures of him barefooting off the boom of our boat. He loved the water, and skiing was his cherished pastime. I became an adept speedboat driver, and we were good to go. He also loved his Harley Davidson motorcycles, and I have a few pictures of him on his bikes. I have a few photos of us when we went camping, sometimes with our whole family. All of these pictures bring back happy memories and remind me of his adventurous qualities.

We married in 1984, so the pictures we have from half of our married life were taken on 35 millimeter cameras. These pictures are in albums in a bookcase in my living room. Unlike digital photographs, these pictures are precious and irreplaceable. We have opened those albums many times, looking for old photos of my parents, his parents, our children when they were young. We took out dozens of pictures of my husband to be used for his funeral. People were astonished at how “beautiful” we were when we were young. I am glad I have photographic proof of that.

If I could do it all again, I would take even more photographs and many more videos of my husband. I wish I had showcased how amazing he was for all of posterity.

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