Grief Journey Day + 152

Grief Anger

I usually have detailed dreams, and I often remember large chunks of them upon waking. But since I have begun my grief Journey, my dreams usually disappear like smoke.

I remembered my dream from a couple of nights ago. It made me uneasy when I woke up, because I had felt some anger toward Billy in my dream. I won’t go into every detail, but in the dream Billy and I had gone to a neighbor’s house because he wanted to talk to the husband. Since I still worked full-time, and Billy was usually home, he knew the neighbors much better than I did. This particular neighbor was not one of our favorites, and the neighbor was very, very wealthy. This also increased my discomfort in visiting with them. In my dream, Billy went to the garage and hung out with the husband, and I was left to try to engage in conversation with the wife, who also had friends over. I didn’t know anyone and I felt very awkward. I was angry at him for dragging me over there with him and then abandoning me. He had made me do something I did not want to do. I did not want to visit with these neighbors.

I recalled another dream I recently had where we were on vacation, and our children were young. Billy had insisted that we visit an area of the city that I did not want to visit. And I remember being angry at him because of it. Because we went where he wanted to go, I missed doing something I really wanted to do with the children. I cannot recall all the details, it was a dream after all.

So, I am wondering,why the anger? Why am I wasting precious time with my husband in a dream being angry with him? Why am I not hugging him and kissing him and telling him how much I love him?

I know that anger is a part of the grieving process. I believe that I am trying to process some of my anger through my dreams. After all, in real life Billy has made me go someplace I do not want to go. I never wanted to be a widow. I didn’t want to lose my husband and my partner and my best friend. This was a path I did not want to walk. But when he died, he forced this life upon me. And I know that he couldn’t help it, in fact, he would have never left us if it was up to him. He loved his life. He did not want to die. He deserves empathy and love for being torn from this life, not anger. But, there it is. As horrible as you may think I am, I am being completely honest. I know that deep down, a part of me is angry with him. I hope and pray that this anger will pass soon. It makes me very uncomfortable. I was rarely angry with him when he was alive, and I don’t enjoy being angry with him now, even in a dream.

Oh, this path of grief I must walk, how I despise you. I look at the darkness on the path, I look at the rocks and the roots that try to trip me up, I look at my solitary feet stepping one at a time, alone on the journey. I look forward to a day when I can see so much more on the path that I am walking. When I will see the sun filtering through the trees, and hear birds singing, and see the sparkle of water nearby and smell sweet flowers on the path. When I can hear your laughter and your voice in my mind as I walk.

Forgive me my anger, Billy, and keep taking me where I have to go. I know you are with me and God won’t leave me and I will move past this anger to gratitude.