Grief Journey Day+ 129

Yesterday, I started wrapping presents and placing them under my tree. I wasn’t prepared for the emotions of those actions.

I’m not sure when it started, but one Christmas when the presents under the tree weren’t large in number, and our tree looked poor and pathetic, Billy started arranging the presents under the tree. Billy was always very gifted with spacial awareness of objects. When we first met, I was driving a bobtail truck and delivering freight around the Bay area. When I could talk him into helping me, which was very rare for he had his own job and responsibilities, I marveled at how he could pack my freight in the truck. It was like a perfect Tetris. When we moved from the Bay area with two very small children, we drove only a van pulling a small U-Haul trailer. But you would not believe how much furniture and belongings Billy packed into that U-Haul trailer. He had such a gift. He could see exactly how to arrange things to minimize space and maximize volume.

So, on that one very lean Christmas, Billy took the few presents that we wrapped and put under the tree and he rearranged them. He stood some presents up, he stacked some up, he leaned some against the tree or other presents, and suddenly it looked like we had a glorious bounty of gifts under the tree. He had a kind of magic that he would work every Christmas, and he loved doing it, making our gifts to our children look bigger, better and more generous than they were.

I had not really thought much about putting presents under the tree beyond the fact that I had to do it. But as soon as I had placed a few gifts under the tree, I found myself crying. My husband couldn’t dazzle me this year with his magic. Billy wouldn’t be here on Christmas morning, to see his family, his children and grandchildren, laughing and opening presents. He loved Christmas so much. He loved his family and his life so much. And it breaks my heart that he can’t be here to live life with us, to experience the love and joy of our family. 

I finished wrapping all the presents today. I placed them all under the tree in my best interpretation of Billy’s gift-stacking flourish. But no amount of stacking or rearranging will fill the gaping hole in all of our hearts this Christmas, because my sweet husband will not be here with us.