And I Wonder

My husband, Billy, is dead. I can write those words, but I know they aren’t sinking in as deep as they will go. I’m still numb. My brain is in protective mode, and will only let trickles of the truth in that he is truly gone. When I let myself fully realize this truth, it hurts in a way that is unlike any pain I’ve known. It is like a spiritual pain, a heartbreak in my soul and I feel a darkness inside with that pain and it is impossible to breathe. I want to run, to escape, but there is nowhere to go. Since this is more than any human can bear, I have to come up for air after a time, I have to let go of the mourning and pain.

I have started talking to Billy. Not long conversations, just a comment here or there. Tonight I could imagine what he would have said in response. I know he wouldn’t be happy that I’m not taking care of myself, that I’m just coasting through the days, going through the motions of what I must do, not going for walks or doing anything meaningful with my time. Billy was the one who got me outside, got me going on hikes, late night pontoon rides, and he got me to drive our speedboat nearly as fast as it would go, pulling him behind on a slalom ski. He loved our home so much. He loved his life so much.

I can’t help but wonder, because he told us, all of us, so many times. He said, “I’m just going to miss all this so much”. He was going to miss his family, me, our children, grandchildren, our home, the lake, the water skiing, the boating, the many sunsets that we watched while floating on the water. He said he was just going to miss it all so much. He said he was going to miss us, me. I wonder now does he miss us? Is there any room in his heart for any sorrow now that he is with God? Is there any longing? Or is every longing fulfilled now, every joy a part of every minute of his life now? I truly hope so. I truly hope that as much as he loved it here, that he will love it there so much more. That it will be so much more wonderful than I can imagine. I miss him so much. I miss his voice, his presence, his laughter, his comments and his love. He always made sure that I knew how much he loved me. Everyday he told me. He always told us all how much he loved us and he told our children and grandchildren how proud he was of them all. There will be no doubt in our minds, ever of his love. He loved this life so very much. He had so much more life to live, and it hurts all of us so much that he was taken too soon. I never wanted him to suffer. I believe that he is not suffering now. Does he miss us? Only God knows now.