Grief Journey Day + 43

This was the card I received from Franciscan health blood and marrow transplantation office. This is the office where Billy received his care for the last 5 years battling AML. These are the people that helped him, cared for him, and cared about him as he battled cancer, received bone marrow transplants, bone marrow biopsies, donor lymphocyte infusions, chemo, blood transfusions and so on. They were a big part of our lives for the last 5 years. The words that they have written mean a lot to me, because it shows how much they loved Billy. When you lose your husband, you lose your ability to show the world how wonderful the man you married is. How could anyone understand now? They can’t meet him, and it seems to make people uncomfortable if I talk very much about him. They don’t know what to say.

It’s heartbreaking to me that the BMT actually has sympathy cards. It should be heartbreaking to all of us. How could such terrible diseases exist, why haven’t they been cured? How do we live comfortably in a world where wonderful people are dying?

There was an infectious disease doctor that took care of Billy on many occasions. He is a local doctor, Dr Jaffri. Dr. Jaffri really liked my husband, and there were two occasions where he literally saved my husband’s life. Once, when Billy had cut his foot badly on an old metal pipe in the lake. His foot became badly infected, and the doctor at the local hospital was treating him, but not well enough. When Dr Jaffri saw my husband’s foot, he became angry and insisted that the foot doctor do surgery to get the infection out of the foot. Between the two of those doctors, they saved Billy’s foot. It was really something. Then, another time when Billy was in the hospital and was very, very ill with pneumonia he had fluid build up around his heart and lungs. His heart couldn’t work correctly and he could hardly breathe or speak. The doctor at the local hospital did not want to drain the fluid from around his heart because Billy’s platelets were so low. Dr Jaffri and Billy’s cancer doctor, Dr Gallardo, arranged for Billy to be transported to Franciscan health where Dr. Akard was waiting to receive him, and a heart doctor immediately put drain tubes in his chest, and drained all the fluid from around his heart. They saved his life. Dr. Akard was officially our hero, too. And both these doctors hold very special places in my heart. I have not been able to bring myself to tell Dr Jaffri that Billy passed away. I know that the last time Dr. Jaffri saw Billy, Dr. Jaffri knew that Billy was dying, and that it was just a matter of time. So perhaps I don’t have to tell him. It just feels like it would be so emotional, so overwhelming, to tell this doctor that fought for my husband, so he could live, to tell him that my husband died.

Life and death. They are side by side, or on a balance, Life giving, Death taking. I prayed so hard that Billy would live. I begged God to not let cancer take him. I don’t really understand why God didn’t save Billy. God had saved him before, why not now? I know we all die eventually, but he wasn’t ready to go. He was only 63 years old and had so much life left to live. I feel like when I get on the other side, I can ask God this question. But I feel like when I do get on the other side, the question won’t matter anymore. I will see my husband, and all my loved ones that went before me, and I will see God and be in His presence, and I will be in perfect happiness. All the troubles of this life will be forgotten. None of my questions will matter. Or perhaps I will know all the answers instantaneously, I don’t know.

Yesterday was my oldest grandson’s 12th birthday. I took the presents I bought for him, and took Emmy, and we drove out to Clay City to Jason’s house. I was so excited, so looking forward to being around family. And it was wonderful. I held Anastasia, who is only 2 months old, and she fell asleep in my arms. Such bliss. After he opened his gifts, we left to go to Wednesday night Bible study at the church. I got to see my church family, all the wonderful people that have prayed for my husband and I for all these years. They have loved me, and I know they’re here for me. It takes so much effort to be around people, but I do need to be around people. It was a good evening, and I am grateful for it.

I made myself fix fish and vegetables for dinner, for Emmy and I. We ate and now she is sleeping, actually she is snoring. Which is pretty funny. And I am crying, as usual. I can’t express in words how much I miss Billy, the longing in my heart to see him, hear his voice, hold his hand, embrace him and kiss him. I just miss him so much. And that will be Day + 43. Another day survived, another day missing him.